i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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