The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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