Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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