There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
