It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
