Acid is not a monday night drug
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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