Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
