somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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