I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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