I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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