I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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