$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
