I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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