Betty ford says i'm here all night
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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