That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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