yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
