you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
