That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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