im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
