Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You can't just leave with hair like that
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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