I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
