Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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