i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
