i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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