Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Two words: blizzard sex
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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