Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
operation harelip BJ is a go
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
