my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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