You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
