my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
