she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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