he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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