I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
