I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
