when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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