I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
