Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
