I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
