does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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