What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
