I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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