I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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