i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I have tasted many bathrooms
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
