I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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