woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
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My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
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I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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