I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
