i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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