I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
