you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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