i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
