tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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