He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
