Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
worst night to have a conscience
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
