i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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