I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
