so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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