if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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