so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
